152+ Famous Comedian Quotes Worth Their Weight in Laughs! (Images)

Comedian quotes have an uncanny ability to capture the essence of humor and the human experience in just a few words.

Whether it’s the sharp wit of stand-up comedians or the comedic genius of classic film stars, these quotes provide a glimpse into the laughter-filled world of comedy.

This article will explore a collection of hilarious and thought-provoking comedian quotes that will have you chuckling, pondering, and appreciating the art of humor in all its forms.

So, sit back, relax, and get ready for a dose of laughter as we delve into the world of comedian quotes.

Comedian Quotes

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Anonymous

“I failed my way to success.” – Thomas Edison

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I can’t relate to lazy people. We don’t speak the same language. I don’t understand you. I don’t want to understand you.” – Kobe Bryant

“The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Anonymous

“I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.” – Bob Monkhouse

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.” – Richard Pryor

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

“If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.” – Steven Wright

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” – Bob Monkhouse

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.” – Steven Wright

“I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.” – Anonymous

“I’m not clumsy; it’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Anonymous

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants? No one cares!” – Jim Gaffigan

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” – Groucho Marx

“I’d like to live like a poor man with lots of money.” – Pablo Picasso

“I’m trying to think, but nothing happens.” – Curly Howard

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason

“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not quite sure.” – Anonymous

“I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset I’m not a widow.” – Roseanne Barr

Funny Comedian Quotes

“I’m not addicted to coffee; we’re just in a committed relationship.” – Unknown

“I used to be in a band. We were called ‘Lost Dog.’ You probably saw our posters.” – Warren B. Hall

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right. Slowly, with small words.” – Unknown

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.” – Steven Wright

“I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.” – Unknown

“I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.” – Unknown

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman; I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together.” – Unknown

“I’m so ugly that when I look in the mirror, my reflection looks away.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” – Unknown

“I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.” – Unknown

“I’m not a fan of bald jokes. I used to be, but then I lost interest.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying my wife’s a terrible cook, but the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying my wife is a bad cook, but we pray after we eat.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying my family is dysfunctional, but we have more awesome family photos than actual family members.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m indecisive, but when faced with the choice of ‘paper or plastic,’ I always pick ‘whichever one I grab first.'” – Unknown

“I’m not saying my husband is lazy, but I put everything on the top shelf, so he can’t reach it.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying my boss is stupid, but he once tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying my roommate is messy, but the roaches wrote a petition about the living conditions.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m bad with money, but I just paid off my student loans in Monopoly money.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m a terrible driver, but if I were a transformer, I’d be an accident.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m a procrastinator, but I’ve been meaning to clean my house for five years now.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m paranoid, but I lock my door twice at night: once before bed and once to check if I’ve locked it.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m lazy, but I haven’t done a sit-up since the ’90s.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m old, but I remember when ‘hashtag’ was called a ‘pound sign.'” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m a hypochondriac, but I once had a near-death experience when I thought I had a cold.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m a terrible cook, but I can make a mean reservation.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m forgetful, but I forgot what I was going to say about being forgetful.” – Unknown

“I’m not saying I’m always late, but I once arrived 30 minutes early for my own funeral.” – Unknown

Famous Comedian Quotes

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” — Mitch Hedberg

“Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg

“I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.” — Ellen DeGeneres

“I’m not addicted to gambling; I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” — Mitch Hedberg

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” — Dalai Lama XIV (not a comedian, but known for his humor)

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” — Steven Wright

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” — Billy Wilder

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” — Steven Wright

“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that. Day in, day out, I was up on the roof. A man’s gotta be a man. If I had any physical beauty, it was gone after the first day.” — Jackie Mason

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

“I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.” — Fred Allen

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” — Cher

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and meet up with them later.” — Mitch Hedberg

“I’m not sure if I lost my mind or I found it.” — Stanley Victor Paskavich

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” — Mitch Hedberg

“I’m writing a screenplay. I just finished a book.” — Steven Wright

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

“You know, it’s hard work to write a book. I can’t tell you how many times I really get going, and then I have to stop because I have a manicure.” — Joe Saunders

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.” — Ellen DeGeneres

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

“I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.” — Mitch Hedberg

“The only time to not be afraid of being afraid is when you’re being afraid.” — Demetri Martin

“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” — Henny Youngman

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” — Charles M. Schulz

Quotes on Stand up Comedy

“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.” – Charlie Chaplin

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” – Peter Ustinov

“Comedy is defiance. It’s a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it’s the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale.” – Will Durst

“Comedy is acting out optimism.” – Robin Williams

“I’m not a big practical joker, but I do comedy for a living, so every once in a while I like to go out and, you know, pull some shenanigans.” – Dave Chappelle

“Comedy is the only hope for humanity; it’s the savior. I’ve seen it.” – Mel Brooks

“You’re not a stand-up comedian if you’re not up there just being yourself. Being a liar will screw you.” – Louis C.K.

“Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. Tragedy is when I get a paper cut.” – Mel Brooks

“I think the main thing a comedian does is give people the release to laugh.” – Louis C.K.

“I’m what you call a “Hollywood Indian.” I stand up to the test of white audiences and black audiences, because I’m telling my story, and in telling my story, I’m telling everybody’s story.” – Charlie Hill

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” – Mel Brooks

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” – Peter Ustinov

“I was so good at potty training, I did it for my parents.” – Dave Attell

“Comedy is when you elegantly make fun of something that you strongly believe in and have knowledge of.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.” – Chris Rock

“Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.” – Sam Kinison

“Comedy is the ultimate truth. Jazz is hitting the notes that that no one else would hit.” – B. B. King

“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.” – Charlie Chaplin

“Tragedy plus time equals comedy.” – Steve Allen

“I’ve always loved humor, whether it’s on stage or in film or on TV. I’ve always used it as a way of expression.” – Martin Lawrence

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” – Peter Ustinov

“Comedy is like catching lightning in a bottle.” – Goldie Hawn

“I don’t like to be funny around the house.” – Chris Rock

“I think I’m funnier onstage than I am in real life.” – Louis C.K.

“Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.” – Chris Rock

“When I do comedy, I lose myself.” – Martin Lawrence

“Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.” – Angela Carter

“I think I’m funnier onstage than I am in real life.” – Louis C.K.

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” – Mel Brooks

“The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can’t fake it… try to fake three laughs in an hour—ha ha ha ha ha—they’ll take you away, man. You can’t.” – Lenny Bruce

Funniest Comedian Quotes of All Time

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin

“I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.” – Bonnie McFarlane

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” – Bob Monkhouse

“I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” – Unknown

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“I told my wife she was lousy in bed, and now she uses me as a mattress.” – Henny Youngman

“I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.” – Maria Bamford

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.” – Steven Wright

“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.” – Demetri Martin

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“I’m writing a children’s book about a refrigerator. I have the idea, but I’ll have to wait.” – Steven Wright

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

“I told my wife it was a small dinner party tonight. She’s still locked in the bedroom.” – Les Dawson

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?” – George Carlin

“I’m not a hypochondriac, but my heart hurts when I run and my knees hurt when I don’t.” – Sarah Silverman

“I used to be in a band, we were called ‘Lost Dog.’ You probably saw our posters.” – Warren Bates

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” – Unknown

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“I told my wife she was lousy in bed, and now she uses me as a mattress.” – Henny Youngman

“I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.” – Maria Bamford

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

Jewish Comedian Quotes

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays.” — Henny Youngman

“The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it.” — George Carlin

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” — Woody Allen

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope

“Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long. He smiled and said, ‘To be old, you must be young first.'” — Sarah Silverman

“I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.” — Ellen DeGeneres

“I used to be a kid with no shoes. Now I’m a man with one shoe.” — Larry David

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” — A. Whitney Brown

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” — Woody Allen

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” — Steven Wright

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” — Mitch Hedberg

“I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant because the customer is always right.” — Mitch Hedberg

“You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.” — Jeff Foxworthy

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.” — Woody Allen

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” — Tommy Cooper

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” — Marc Maron

“I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.” — Mitch Hedberg

“I can resist everything except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde

“The only time to not take a joke seriously is when it’s directed at you.” — Mel Brooks

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” — Woody Allen

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” — Lana Turner

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” — George Carlin

“I’m Irish, but I’m not a leprechaun. And I’m not from the south, but I’m still redneck.” — Tommy Lee

“I can’t even read a newspaper, the news gives me a headache.” — Gilda Radner

Famous Quotes by Comedians

-I went to an eatery, and there was no particular time to serve breakfast. So I asked them for French toast during the time of the Renaissance. -Steven Wright

-I am just tired of running after my dreams. I am just going to ask them about their destination and make them partners later. -Mitch Hedberg

-If life was not unfair, Elvis wouldn’t be dead and all the mimics wouldn’t be alive. -Johnny Carson

-You will know what pain actually is when you will see your own child drowning in a tub. And you absolutely unaware of how to bathe a baby. -Anthony Jeselnik

-Nobody gives a damn about who is the present President until they don’t get to eat bacon. -Louis C. K

-Laugh noisily, laugh frequently, and most necessarily, make fun of yourself. -Chelsea Handler

-I have never been in the wrong place and late. I drive myself there. -Bob Hope

-The problem with the murine featured face is that it doesn’t matter even if you succeed, your face would never change. -Lily Tomlin

-Unexceptional is nothing more than a bicycle on a machine for washing clothes. -Whoopi Goldberg

-Sometimes you just need to wear lipgloss and fake it like you are mental prepared Kaling

-Self-belief is 10 percent effort and 90 percent misconception, just a stupid thought that you have the ability to do whatever you want. -Tina Fey

-Mother Teresa had never expressed dissatisfaction with her thighs. She had other things to do.-Sarah Silverman

-Dressing like Gandhi will not make you Gandhi. -Johnny Lever

-I wished to be another personality. Now I understand I must have been more detailed. -Lily Tomlin

-Maximum people who have low self-respect deserved it. -George Carlin

-Life is an empty canvas. And throwing all the colors as much as possible in life is important. -Danny Kaye

-Appreciate yourself unless you commit a series of murders. -Ellen DeGeneres

-Be so amazing that they could never be able to avoid you. -Steve Martin

-How we behave with the defenseless is how we characterize ourselves as people. -Russell Brand

-Don’t just instruct your kids to study. Tell them to raise a question what they studied. Tell them to raise a question about everything. -George Carlin

-A wonderful thing about taking risks when you are an adult you don’t get more to lose. -Amy Poehler

-I wish everyone can be wealthy and popular. So that they aware it is not the key. -Jim Carrey

-Neve waste your courage trying to change viewpoints. Mind your business and don’t mind if they dislike it. -Tina Fey

-If you make efforts and be considerate, wonderful stuff will happen. -Conan O’Brien

-Adore your profession. Be amazing at it; capability is a limited item in today’s world. -Jon Stewart

-Nothing is a dangerous journey, and nothing obtained, a dangerous journey belongs to daring. -Navjot Singh Sidhu

-Immigration and traditions must know the similarities between an Indian and a terrorist. We are different. -Russell Peters

-There is nothing truer than being yourself. No one can be more your than you. – Dr. Uses a

-Never believe your ears and the half-truth that you notice. -Edgar Allan Poe

-God, what idiots these humans be. – William Shakespeare

-World is a misfortune for those who suffer but humor for those who understand. – Horace Walpole

-You are good at manipulating. I love to imagine myself more as an outcome creator. -J. R Ward

-There is a narrow line that differentiates pain and laughter, tragedy and humor, suffering and humor. -Erma Bombeck

-Gratefully, purposefulness is a great choice for talent. -Steve Martin

-Drug is good until you use it to behave like a jackass. Different chemicals form drugs. -Frank Zappa

-Life is like a movie, full of humor and misfortune. You must appreciate the humor episodes a little more. -Jeannette Walls

-Misfortune is when my finger is cut by myself, and funniness is when you fall onto an open large underground pipe and die. -Mel Brooks

-Life is unreasonable. We all fake it like it is reasonable. And a comedian’s job is to point out that it isn’t reasonable. -Eric Idle

-I like being popular. It is nearly like being fair, you know. -Chris Rock

-The place is not small. And we could be able to live there without murdering each other. -Rhage

-We all are worthless in our own different ways. We are like flakes of snow dancing on the planet. -Lewis Black

-The moment you think about something, laugh at it. -Lao Tzu

-Everyone’s life is viewed as an entirety and in common. Only its most important characteristics are highlighted, it is really a misfortune, but suffering in detail, it has a funny person. -Arthur Schopenhauer

-Fudge it. That is truly a personality that keeps a family together. It is not, ‘we adore each other’. It’s just, ‘fudge it,’ man. -Louis C.K.

-Humor is an art that makes people laugh without making them throw up. -Steve Martin

-Never do it. Avoid your capability. It will be messed up by you. It’s capability. Cease it anyway. It is like your savings. You don’t have a lot more than you think. -Dylan Moran

-You realize you are a sexy mess when you buy your drink all night all by yourself. -Chelsea Handler

😍 Want to Read More, Explore 👇 This Article

Funny Lineman Sayings
Joker Quotes
Casper The Friendly Ghost Quotes
Quotes by Comedians

Similar Posts:

Was this article helpful?